Ali Zafar awarded Nishan-e-Pakistan for sending record number of defamation notices

On Friday, Prime Minister Imran Khan awarded actor and musician Ali Zafar with The Order of Pakistan for sending a record number of defamation notices in one year. Accused of multiple instances of sexual harassment in 2018, Ali Zafar and his legal team as a result have sued more people than the number of hit singles in his career, something that the government felt deserved recognition. He now joins the Emperor of Japan and the Crown Prince of Saudia Arabia in sharing this gallant honour.

Ali Zafar’s post-award press conference stressed the importance of not reporting harassment. "Harassment accusations can cost a man his career, his social standing, his everything,” he said, citing his film that broke all box office records, the Presidential Pride of Performance award he received earlier this year and an honorary ambassadorship to Knowledge City - not to be confused with Aabpara.

Political analysts say the next time he's accused of harassment he will likely be given a government ministry and gifted four acres of land in the Ravi Riverfront Project. "To make up for the hassle. The sheer trauma of having harassment being called out - there are little consolations for any man in such a situation, but tax exempt properties always help."

His supporters say Ali Zafar lives as a social pariah since the first accusations, only interacting with other people from his billboards towering over Lahore, posing with either a Diamond Supreme Foam mattress or a Mobilink Jazz sim - both things people don't like associating with. "The ignominy! People don't want to be associated with him anymore," says the head of the Ali Zafar Defence Force, Mahrosh Hajjaj. “Being given the Order of Pakistan is just the first step, there is a long term plan to ensure recompense for all the suffering he’s been caused - like the first time he had to cry convincingly in front of a camera.”

A social media influencer who also accused him of inappropriate behaviour was made to publicly apologise, deactivate her account and move to Tibet. Having taken up a vow of silence. "We plan on taking this to an international court of arbitration,” Mahrosh says. “We want unconditional apologies issued from the United States, China and Russia. We want a statue of him erected outside the Louvre in Paris, and we want him in the running to be elected the next Secretary-General of the United Nations."

He has also been likened by Prime Minister Imran Khan with Ertugrul. "There are a lot of similarities between fighting the Mongol hordes and attending NCA. We are working on making a biopic that shows all the hardships he's had to endure in his life, like Channo.” He hinted that our next nuclear capable ballistic missiles might also be named after him, likely curtailing his popularity in India although Kill Dil already accomplished half that job.

The Federal Investigation Agency has been busy registering FIRs at the behest of Ali Zafar to stop people damaging his reputation. "We were faced with a legal paradox, because the first person damaging Ali Zafar's reputation was Ali Zafar himself. But our experts are working on a solution," a spokesperson for the FIA said on a condition of our anonymity. FIA jails are now full of people who retweeted Meesha Shafi, or ever put her Coke Studio duets on repeat.

"Which included our Director General so we had to send him a notice too."

In civilised countries you can't just accuse anyone of harassment, the spokesperson continued. You have to prove it with four witnesses, two horses and a traveling band of minstrels.

"We've sent notices to people who have been found guilty of saying Ali Zafar is a harasser. We have also been sending notices to people who have said Musharraf was a dictator, and the minority of people left in this country who still insist water is wet."

The FIA has also initiated defamation cases against those maligning Modi, Netanyahu and someone called Harvey Weinstein. "We don't know who he is but if he's been accused we are obliged to defend him."

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