Hello World!

It is done.

I have it all figured out.

Well, I'm nearly there.

I've now been in the UK since 5 years. Pretty soon I will be applying for my Indefinite Leave to Remain (ILR) and within another year I will have a British passport, provided I manage to pass the insidious Life In The UK test.

I can finally be free, at least on paper, of my Pakistani baggage, passport and nationality.

I even have a brilliant new name. It's something I've been sitting on for a long time, unable to find one that feels like it's still me.

I do love the name my mother gave me. I don't think I could ever part with it completely. But it has Islamic and Arab origins. And those are the things I want to walk away from.

Not my family. Not the traditions I grew up with. Not our cuisine. Not our languages.

Even with Islam, I only want to rid myself of its toxic parts. And the nonsensical parts. So let me keep most of the good Huqooq-ul-Ibad (rights of the people) and I will throw away the nonsensical and often toxic Huqooq-Allah (rights of god).

I want to continue celebrating Eid with my family. After all, most of them are still Muslim in terms of belief, even though most of them do not really practice it.

I want to continue engaging with Muslim culture and perhaps, even be a force for its reform?

I want to oppose and challenge Pakistan's blasphemy laws that mean a citizen like me would get the death penalty for leaving Islam. But not just for me but for all minorities within Pakistan. Whether it is Shias, Ahmedis, Christians or any others.

Because once I get my nationality changed to that of our colonial masters, this (originally British) blasphemy law wouldn't affect me as such. Yes, I am prepared to completely relinquish my Pakistani citizenship. But for everyone else who is still stuck there, living in their own shadow, afraid to be themselves, afraid to step into the limelight, being neither here or there, always muting and censoring themselves and agreeing to uphold the 'peace', I know for a fact that there is no peace for them.

Especially all those people who are stuck in toxic living situations. Religious/fanatic parents, spouses and family members or even bosses and other people in positions of authority that they must comply with.

But before I could speak out, I knew I had to protect my family. Not just my wife and child but also my mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who still live in Pakistan. I don't want them to be shunned or shamed by society because of me or because of what I say.

So I had to come up with a new name.

My mother and oldest sister call me Billy. Once I realised how this anglicised nickname felt like 'me', it was a no-brainer. But I'm a versatile pansexual so to make it gender neutral I've decided to spell it Billie. I'm a boy who can be a dom or a sub depending on the situation. Even though the situation I'm in right now is in a very heterosexual/heteronormative monogamous marriage that has nearly lasted a decade now. I suppose I can continue being this way because my family is my reason for living.

But I want to take it a step further. When I become a British citizen, I want to legally change my whole name. Or at least half of it. I have some time before I decide.

I have an estranged relationship with my father so it doesn't make a lot of sense to carry his name around with me any more. (Pakistanis typically keep their father's first name as their last name.)

These past couple of decades, I've been searching for a last name to change to when the time is right. One that isn't pretentious, or sounds like it belongs to someone else.

I was stuck on Dada for a while. It has cultural roots from Sindh in Pakistan. In Urdu, it is the word for paternal grandfather. And it has some other connotations as well in terms of mob-like authority, which I thought was cool.

Another candidate was my mother's family name. After all, she filled in for my dad in his absence and I do carry the Chughtai genealogy within me - Chughtais have a very recognisable face. Apparently we are descendants of the Mongols, or more specifically, Genghis Khan, one of the most ruthless conquerors on the planet. Is that even remotely a good thing?

Besides why should we all accept the patriarchy that compels us to only follow a father's lineage when active parenting typically comes from a mother? So, Billie Chughtai?

But even that would be following my mum's patriarchal lineage...

Besides, the link could still put my family in danger so I was on the lookout until I came across what I now think is the perfect last name and so I've given birth to this little journal as a precursor for a book I want to write.

Billie Can't Lie.

I've been lying my whole life. I've become really good at it and sometimes I don't even have to think twice, it happens automatically. Whether I'm lying at work to pretend to know something I don't, or with religious people hiding my lack of faith, or with racist people who I'm too afraid to call out. I lie for nefarious reasons too but I've had that under check for a while because I want to live an authentic life. Enough is enough.

I want to be true to myself.

So Billie Can't Lie --> Billie Cantlie --> Billie Kantlie.

It works really well as a French/Irish/English surname, which is good for me to mask my previous identity, and it holds a deeper meaning for me when broken down.

Under this new identity I always want to speak the truth, no matter what.

As I mentioned, I want to write a book about my life and this could, at the very least, be my pseudonym. An ambiguous author name that allows me to write freely without any hangups while also appealing to a larger audience. I am a marketer after all, so I'll admit I've thought about this.

I needed a space to practice writing so I can fine tune my writing style and message. This can also be a place to get to know my audience better.

From what I imagine, my writings might be of some interest to ex-Muslims, Muslims and anyone on the spectrum of immensely Islamophobic right-wingers to the leftists giving blind support and a free pass to Islam.

I hope to have a nuanced approach to the kind of reforms I want from Islam, Shariah and general Muslim practices, while also appreciating the good things and the good people. I intend to have a similar attitude while criticising other religions.

My critical study of Islam began as Islam started to become synonymous with terrorism around the world, which was difficult for me, as a Muslim apologist. I got to know the religion even better over time and as I did, I left the bubble my (broken) family had kept me in, safe from some of the more toxic practices.

But it wasn't enough. And gradually, I saw myself leave Islam completely. I had a long agnostic phase in which I continued my exploration and immersed myself in comparative religion.

I read many books, starting with the Quran's translation and its painfully long tafsirs, the New Testament, the Book of Mormon, a short version of the Gita, excerpts from a variety of Vedas, and anything else I could get my hands on.

I frequented Gurdwaras, Temples, Churches and different types of Mosques when I was studying in Singapore and I exchanged views and perspectives with friends as well as strangers. Have you ever been to a mega church? I thought those were really cool.

I got to a stage where I could easily see through all religious bullshit.

I mean, they all start with this need to draw a line of morality, to say murder is wrong and caring for neighbours is right, and there is nothing wrong with any of that stuff, obviously. But when it became political it turned into a tool to acquire power and suppress people.

With my writing what I want to do is draw that line of morality, so people don't need to rely on religion for it. Complex issues like abortion can be broken down rationally.

Most good people already have a great sense of morality but this could be useful for those with troubled backgrounds. Or at least force ordinary good Muslims to think, and question problematic texts. Maybe even help reform Islam to make it comply with the times we live in.

So wish me luck, follow my writings, interact with me in comments, challenge me, criticise me, and I promise I will be as civil as you are with me.

Thank you for reading this super long first blog post!

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